My second baby boy Jacob was due on this date (23rd March) in 2014, but was actually born sleeping on 7th November 2013. My oldest son was born on the 1st April 2013, so my two sons would have been almost exactly 1 year apart. I had a double pram ready to go, I had clothes washed and ironed, everything was prepared and ready for his arrival.
Today my son should be celebrating his 9th birthday. He should be having a party with his brothers and his friends, opening presents and having an amazing time. He should be here with us. Instead, he didn't get to take one breath. I never got to hear him cry, push him in his new pram or see him in his cute little onesies. I never got to see his relationship with my other two boys, and they didn't even meet each other.
Grieving for a baby who passes away in the womb is like no other grief. I have no photos or memories of him. I can't console myself in the knowledge that he lived a long life or a happy life. No-one even really knows what he looked like apart from me and his dad. He lived in my body and in my mind, but never on earth.
I remember the last time he moved in my body. I knew he was fatally ill and I knew he was dying. I was in my bed focusing on his every move and trying to savour every second. I'm so glad I paused and took the time to do that, because 9 years later I still remember. Every memory from that point is filled with trauma and grief and anger, so I'm grateful I have that moment.
Jacob Green- You are eternally loved. My heart will forever be broken. But, because of you I've become part of this wonderful community of incredible people, and built a community of my own. Thank you
If you have lost a baby too, I am so deeply sorry. I know how much your heart aches and I know how much strength it takes to carry on. I am here for you.
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