This is one of the first photos of my oldest son Alexander, taken by the photography team at the hospital a few hours after he was born. He was born 11 days after his due date, and the labour took 26 hours. He was eventually delivered via forceps.
I was so young and naive when Alexander was born. I had no idea of what it takes to be a mother, what a huge responsibility I was undertaking and how my entire life would change. My entire thought process was "awwww babies are cute".
Over the last decade, I have been growing up alongside Alexander. He's been my constant in a time full of uncertainty. He was my light in the darkness of grief. He was my happiness when everything around me was depressing.
Being pregnant with Alexander was easy and simple. Aside from being overweight, there were no concerns or issues with my pregnancy, and I had no ideas of the horrors I would face in the future.
Reflecting over the past ten years, the thing that still brings me so much sadness and regret are missing the early years of Alexander's life. During the first 3 years of Alexander's life, I was pregnant 4 times. I was grief stricken, depressed, anxious, scared, alone and angry. I was in and out of hospital and preoccupied with everything going on in my life. Don't get me wrong, Alexander was taken care of and loved greatly, but because of the trauma that followed, I couldn't treasure the early years of his life. When I think back to that time, I struggle to recall many memories of Alexander as a baby, because those memories are all clouded with trauma.
He is ten now and both him and his brother are my absolute pride and joy. He is so quick witted and funny, so unbelievable intelligent with such a thirst for learning, so cute and excitable and so driven and determined to achieve anything he puts his mind to. I'm in awe of the amazing person I have created and moulded, and I'm so proud that we have got to this point of peace and happiness together.
I know that I am not the only person who had other children at home while they lost babies, and I know that the guilt of being away from your children,mentally and physically, is unbearable. It never goes away, and it hurts my heart deeply that I cannot recall a lot of memories of Alexander as a baby. But I'm here to tell you that once I healed and found peace, we have made a million memories to make up for it, and so will you!! The past 7 years are filled with experiences, memories, laughter, happiness and joy and THOSE, along with all future memories, are the memories that I will treasure forever.
Only look back to see how far you have come ❤️
Nicola.
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