November 2023 will mark 10 years since my son passed away. He passed away when my oldest son was almost 8 months old and my youngest son was not yet conceived. Because of this, they have never been aware of Jacob's existence.
I've debated with myself for a long time over the correct approach to this. Do I introduce Jacob's memory at a very young age, so that they grow up with the knowledge that they had another brother? Do I wait until they are older so they have a better understanding? Will they feel cheated and lied to if I wait? Should I tell them at all?
So many different angles and emotions have flooded my brain for a long time, and then MutuallyMums was born. I had started to broadcast my story on a public platform. School mums would ask me about my new business, and I was desperate to doscuss it with them, but I would quickly scurry away, worried of what my children would hear. It's not that I didn't want them to know, I just didn't want them to find out in that context.
It would not be fair for my children to hear about this from someone else, so I decided now was the time. I had been waiting for the sign to tell them and this was it. I wanted to approach this carefully and delicately. I wanted to give room for grief, questions, confusion and anger. I decided that the school holidays was the best time for this. We would have extra time together, and plenty of time off school, giving a perfect opportunity for my children to process what had been said over a longer period. I didn't want to spring it onto them after school or on a Sunday evening. This was a conversation that needed more than a quick ten minute chat over homework.
So during the Easter holidays, I told my children about Jacob. We were having a quiet house day, eating Easter eggs and playing board games, and I brought my new business into conversation. They started to ask a few questions about what the business was about and why I wanted to do this. It was a natural, easy opening to the conversation I wanted to have. I explained to the boys that I had been pregnant a third time, in between both of their pregnancies. I explained that he was really poorly and he died in my tummy. I explained how sad it made me and their dad.
I told them they can ask any question they like, and can also ask their dad any questions they may have for him too (we discussed this before I told the boys). They asked a few questions about how he died, and were understandably saddened that they could have had another brother. I made sure to let them know that I was still sad and part of me will always be sad, and that it is OK for them to feel sad.
It has been two months since that conversation, and it hasn't been mentioned much since. They are aware of what happened and seem to have accepted it. Although it's never really mentioned, I feel like they have a new understanding of me, and have been introduced to their mum of a new, deeper level. They are proud of the business I am building, and get so excited when I make a sale on Etsy or get new followers on Instagram.
Tips for telling your children about your baby
Use easy to understand language
Use the term 'died' instead of 'born sleeping' or 'passed away'
If you are pregnant or plan to be pregnant again, explain that this isn't something that happens every time, to avoid creating anxiety for children over future pregnancies and siblings
Plan the conversation rather than blurting it out- Where? When? How?
It is OK to cry and be upset. This allows your child to know it's OK to express that emotion and we don't need to keep it bottled up
Give them time to process- they may not initially say much, but the questions can come weeks, months, even years later
Create a memory box together- if your child is struggling with this new information, a memory box is a great way to help them with their emotions. In this box, you can store any photos or memory pieces from your pregnancy. You can also encourage your child to write letters and draw pictures to store in the box, as a way of processing their feelings.
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