Experiencing a high risk pregnancy
I have been pregnant 5 times. Two of those times were miscarriages, one resulted in the death of my son Jacob, and two were live births at term. This all happened during 2013 and 2015. I have two sons who are 7 and 10.
My pregnancy with my oldest son Alexander was smooth sailing. It was easy, stress free, uncomplicated and zero drama. This was my first pregnancy and I was lured into a false sense of security. I truly believed this is how all future pregnancies would go for me. Shortly after Alexander I was pregnant again with Jacob. Jacob had a congenital diaphragmatic hernia and edwards syndrome. You can read more about my pregnancy with Jacob here https://mutuallymums.wixsite.com/mutuallymums/post/welcome-to-my-story and here https://mutuallymums.wixsite.com/mutuallymums/post/what-is-cdh
Today I want to tell you the story about my youngest son Elliot. I wasn’t feeling particularly positive about my pregnancy with Elliot from the get go. I had experienced so much trauma with Jacob and two miscarriages in the space of a year, that it seemed like a second child was impossible.
At ten weeks pregnant, I took my son to visit my parents. I stood up and felt a huge gush. I was pouring with blood. I screamed to my parents that I was pregnant again and needed to go to hospital. This wasn't the pregnancy announcement I was expecting to make, but in that moment, screaming the news seemed like the only way to do it. My dad took me to urgent care and the nurse told me I was experiencing a miscarriage. I didn’t agree. I’d experienced miscarriages and this felt different. After much arguing and demanding to be seen by someone else, I was taken to the early pregnancy unit.
Thank god I argued my case because they discovered that I was in fact still pregnant and my baby had a very strong heartbeat. The cause of my bleed was clear to see, I had a huge subchorionic hematoma next to my cervix. The midwife told me that unfortunately this may result in another miscarriage,but to go home and rest as much as possible. Resting with a 2 year old isn’t possible, but luckily my children's father was very helpful, and I spent as much time as I could in bed.
I spent all my time in bed researching subcorionic hematomas and statistics, waiting for the next miscarriage to happen. At 12 weeks, I went back to hospital for my 12 week scan. I had been bleeding constantly from 10 to 12 weeks. Everytime I stood up, large blood clots would appear. I waited for them to say there was no baby there. How could there be? I’d been bleeding so heavily and so frequently that it wasn’t possible. But by some miracle my baby was there. For most people that 12 week mark is a huge relief. It means that their pregnancy is viable and they can relax and enjoy the second trimester. I wish that this had been the case for me. In actual fact the horror was only just beginning. I was told that the hematoma is still huge and doesn't seem to be decreasing in size. Everytime I bled, the blood irrated my cervix and was at risk of spontaneously opening. I was ordered to stay on strict bed rest and I followed that rule as much as possible.
I continuely bled every single day. Everytime I went to the bathroom there would be a pool of blood. It would soak through pyjamas and bedsheets and I couldn't leave the house without leaking through my clothes. As I’d previously lost a baby, and I was currently experiencing a high risk pregnancy, I was invited for an additional scan at 16 weeks. I hadn’t started to feel movement yet so didn’t know if the baby was even still there, and was convinced they would give me bad news. Thankfully my baby was still in there, thrashing around with a strong heartbeat. When I got up to leave the sonographers room and head to see a midwife, there was a huge pool of blood left on the bed. I’d soaked through 2 pads in the 20 minutes I’d been in there. The midwife decided this was now getting too risky and kept me in as a patient to be monitored.
On one hand this was fantastic. I could now be regularly monitored by someone who could tell me that my baby was ok on a regularly basis without me trying to guess and assuming the worst. I didn’t really grasp how horrific the hospital stays would be. From 16 weeks onwards I spent the majority of my time as an inpatient on the antenatal ward. This meant that I hardly saw my 2 year old baby at home, I spent long periods of time alone, and I was constantly told that my baby might not survive. At one point I was given steroids and told to expect spontaneous labour in the next 24 hours. At another point, I was told my baby has a 5% chance of surviving this. I was on strict bed rest in hospital. I was even escorted to the bathroom and someone had to bring my meals.
I had been through so much trauma at this point, and spending all this time alone in the same 4 walls away from my baby and partner was absolutely horrendous. There are no words I can use to describe the horror of this chapter of my life. Every day felt like a week and I was completely traumatised. Occasionally, I would go home for a few days if my bleeding wasn’t fresh blood and baby’s heartbeat was strong. Each time the relief would be immense only to be met with heartbreak 48 hours later when I returned. On one day I left at 10am and was back at 5pm.
To this day I’m baffled that I wasn’t offered socialising opportunities or counselling during that time. My notes clearly stated all the trauma I had suffered in such a short period of time. It would have been hugely beneficial for me to be given the opportunity to chat to other mums, or have increased visiting hours. Of course, I understand that this is a medical setting and not a community centre, but my mental health was at an all time low and I needed that additional support in place.
There was one midwife that I knew from being pregnant with Jacob, who was now supporting me through my pregnancy with Elliot. She would come into my room whenever she could to chat and keep me company and I cherished those moments. She felt like such a huge comfort to me. She was one of the only people I felt I could talk to. Of course my children's father would bring Alexander during visiting hours but that was also trauamatic. Alexander felt uneasy around me and would scream to go back to his dad. I waited all day for them to arrive and then couldn’t wait for them to leave once they were there. I felt like I was causing my baby unnecessary trauma but subjecting him to this, and he was better off at home. I felt like such an awful mother that I was stuck in hospital rather than at home with him parenting him. It’s been 7 years and it still upsets me that I missed such a large portion of Alexander’s baby years because of this and other pregnancies. Even as I type this I feel emotional and it’s something I’ve really struggled to accept and forgive myself for.
There were small moments of joy in Elliot's pregnancy. My sister arranged a last minute small baby shower on one of my short releases from hospital. I also managed to squeeze in a small caravan holiday with family towards the end of my pregnancy. These small moments are times that I will always cherish, but they are forever clouded by how I felt and what I was experiencing during that time.
Elliot was born at 40 weeks 1 day and was a whopping 10lb5! He is an absolute miracle and defied all odds. The trauma wasn't over for me though. My muscles and nerves were damaged after giving birth naturally to such a huge baby. I had a catheter for 2 months after birth, and I still have nerve damage in my leg 7 years later. I struggled to bond with Elliot, and felt resentment towards him. I'd prayed for him to be ok every single day of this pregnancy, but now he was here I didn't know how to handle the next step, whilst coping with grief, trauma and depression.
Elliot is 7 now and he's such a brilliant kid. The sass and self confidence is unmatched, and I am so immensely proud of him and his brother. The trauma I have been through will stay with me forever. It's woven into my life story and has made me the person I am today. But with this trauma comes a huge appreciation for life and for the children I have created.
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