I became a single mum in 2016 and I was terrified. As you know from previous posts, the journey into motherhood wasn't easy for me, and my mental health was badly affected. I heavily relied on my children's dad, and although it was the right decision to split up, I had never done this alone before. My children were roughly 3 and 10 months old when we finally called it a day. Those first few months as a single parent were horrendous, and it's painful to think about even now.
Somehow, I muddled through and we all survived whilst I found my footing and adjusted to this new life. On a whim, I booked our first family holiday as a family of three the following year when my children were 1 and 4 years old. I panicked every single day leading up to it. Every day I wanted to call and ask for a refund, but my eldest son was so excited.
Before I knew it, it was time to go. I got on a train with two small children, luggage and a pram and tried my best to look happy. We spent a week on a caravan park and I hated every second. As soon as the kids went to bed I cried all night. I was so lonely, overwhelmed and exhausted. We didnt go to the evening entertainment because i felt ashamed and embarassed to sit at a table alone whilst the kids joined in.
Thankfully, the kids saw none of this and had an amazing time, and looking at this photo of Alexander from our first holiday alone makes me so happy. I did that! I put that smile on his face.
When we returned back to normality, I felt incredible. Yes I didn't enjoy the holiday, in fact it was quite traumatic. But I survived it and my children were happy and loving life. I'd pushed myself out of my comfort zone and in doing so, I'd learnt so much about myself and my ability as a mother. I learnt that regardless of my feelings, I always get up and show up for my children. Regardless of how much I am struggling mentally, my children are unaware and have a happy, fulfilled life.
It's six years since that first holiday, and now we go everywhere together. I take them here, there and everywhere without a care in the world. We regularly do little caravan holidays and hotel stays and I love it. They are my two best friends and we live such an wonderful life together. Unlike that first holiday, we now stay out all night singing and dancing at the showbar, and I don't care who's watching. Yes, there are still times I get lonely. The kids often make friends on these holidays and go off to play. The difference is that now I embrace this alone time. I read a book or play a game or just enjoy the silence.
Everything that me and the boys enjoy doing now, started from the first holiday. It opened my eyes to what I could accomplish as a single parent. It showed me that we didn't have to miss out on anything just because there is one parent and not two.
If you are a newly single parent reading this, and wondering how you will cope, let me tell you it is not easy. There are times where you will struggle and feel alone and scared. But if I can get to this point, then so can you. You can go on that holiday, you can go for meals out, you can go to the play area. The only limitations are the ones you are setting for yourself. Nobody is looking at you, nobody is judging you. What they do see is a fantastic mum giving her children the best childhood. Hang in there ❤️
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