This is the first photo I ever had taken of my and the boys, and I hate it. I'll never get rid of it because the boys are so small and beautiful, and it is a part of their memories, but looking at it upsets me. It takes me back to that day and how I was feeling. I felt like my body wasn't my own and it belonged to these two little humans who needed everything from me, even though I felt completely disengaged. I felt like my baby didn't belong there, and he had replaced the baby I was meant to have. Every part of me ached and I felt weak for showing that, so I kept it hidden. I am sat on a million cushions to try and give me some kind of comfort, after giving birth naturally to a 10'5 baby. In the photo I am smiling, but I am completely dead behind the eyes. The trauma and grief I'd suffered had made me completely numb to any feelings of joy or happiness, and instead all I felt was intense anger and pain. I am completely traumatised in this photo after suffering the loss of my son, two miscarriages and a horrendous pregnancy with Elliot. Even the position that Elliot is lying in reminds me that during this time I was breastfeeding, something which I found to be completely overwhelming and triggering. Alexander is 2 in this photo, but I didn't feel a strong bond with him at this time, because most of his baby days I spent pregnant and in hospital, and so I also felt immense guilt and sadness that he had grown before my eyes.
I hate the first photo of me and my children but that's ok, because this photo also gives me the opportunity to reflect. I can see how much I've grown and blossomed as a person since that day. I can see how much better my emotions are regulated and my needs are met. The love I feel for my children is unconditional and endless, and I know that since this photo I can now show them this love in a healthy way. I am not a perfect mother, but I have grown into the best mother I can be.
Commentaires